I’ve been spending long, distracted hours staring into middle distance again. It tends to happen after a visit home. Daydreaming. When I snap myself out of it to concentrate on the task at hand (i.e. being a writer) I find I am smiling, so it’s not all bad. But I have been feeling a bit … well … all over the place.
The human cognitive process is set up to make judgements and generalisations. We instinctively establish filters, both consciously and subconsciously, to differentiate between things. It’s nifty really. It begins with our earliest stages of self-awareness. Our developing consciousness decides, “this is me, that over there, is not me”. Who hasn’t played the game where you ask the baby “where’s Mummy?” and everyone applauds when the kid points in the direction of their Mum? And we continue to observe and develop a set of opinions and positions about ourselves and the world for the rest of our lives.
After spending more than six weeks back home in Sydney, I have returned to Singapore. In less than two weeks I’ll be moving to London. “Home. Not home. Sort of home … Me. Not me. Maybe me.”
What’s been distracting me is a pulling sensation between places. If my mind is tousling between reliving recent memories of loved ones in Sydney on the one hand, and trying to work in Singapore on the other, then where am I? If there’s a tiny future-bound part of me that has already taken up residence in London (I can see her clearly sipping tea in a coffee shop, scribbling notes and being pompous) then where am I? Am I here in Singapore, or back there in Sydney, or projected forward into London? I have to say that I don’t have the answer.
However, one quietening thought has struck: I do know one place where I definitely am … I am here. Yes indeed, I’m right here. In the blackness of the letters I’m typing onto this screen. Curled up in this word. And this one. I’m definitely wrapped around these words here. My grubby fingerprints are all over this sentence. And I’m stealing a kiss with this one, like it’s a secret lover.
And, joy upon joy, you’re here too … In fact, you were part of that stolen kiss. You minx! You’re wrapped up with me in these words, just by reading them. I am boundlessly grateful to you for that. It’s nice to know we are here … Especially when I’m all over the place.